Thursday, December 25, 2008
Give me words?
Song of the Glob: Death on Two Legs - Queen
A couple of you already know about this one friend that I have, S. I'd been having some problems with her for a long time and a while ago, I cut down our talking time by quite a bit. I was ignoring her. I told her, after some time, that I wasn't sure if I want to be her friend anymore, and I know that I don't. I've known her since grade 2, 10 years ago, but a lot has changed since then. It was hard for me to give S a good reason for my "shocking, sudden" idea. She kept asking if it was because of something she'd done. I told her no. But the truth is, it's everything she does. I probably sound like a horrible friend, hitting a "rough patch" and taking it too hard and cowardly going about it, but you know... this "rough patch" has dragged out for so long and has been more stressful and painful than it's worth. I used to be a good friend, I think. I'd call her all the time and chat with her on MSN, and we'd talk and talk and always have a good time and I'd always take her side... she always comes up with a compelling side to a story... and I've learned over time to take absolutely everything she says with a huge grain of salt.
So what's changed?
At first, it felt like I was doing all the work in the friendship. Relationships, any kind, are two-way streets. The love has to go both ways for things to work well. I'd taken her out for a birthday lunch some time ago. I hadn't ever really taken her out to eat before, but I learned what happens when you go out with her. Between the two of us, it was $55. She insisted on appetizers... always lots of appetizers, and since she was being treated, she got big things, expensive things, whatever was to her liking with no regard as to how it would affect my wallet.
You might be thinking that I could just tell her how I feel. Well, I would have told her a lot of things by now if I were actually ABLE TO.
Another time, the two of us went out with her boyfriend. I wouldn't say her BF and I don't get along, but we're not very comfortable around each other. It was okay, I think. (I have a hard time figuring out what emotions I'm feeling sometimes. Okay, often.) We didn't really know where to go - Chinese or Greek - (this was also for her birthday, another year) but she eventually chose Greek. (Her BF and I are often incapable of making decisions around each other or S... or maybe in general) Greek it was. Appetizers were ordered, of course, and since S, again, was having her share of the bill covered, she ordered some very expensive stuff! Not hard to do at a Greek restaurant. And when I say expensive, I mean lamb-and-steak expensive. Her BF, who also ordered big, forgot his wallet so I paid for the whole thing. I got most of what was owed to me, but I'm still not sure if it was the full amount. The bill... was over $70. Closer to $80, I believe.
Now, when someone takes me out, the thought of ordering appetizers never crosses my mind because I know how expensive they are, and I know how rare it is that they're worth it. ($6.00+ for 2-3 pieces bread with melted cheese at Cactus Club Cafe, btw) I always try to go for the less expensive things on the menu when someone else is paying. The whole seafood/steak section is basically off-limits to me.
I never want to take advantage of someone else paying for my meal.
Oh! But those were TWO TIMES! Surely, I can forgive and forget. But what about all the years she forgot my birthday? (Every year.) Or forgot Christmas or birthday presents... or just cards. I never skipped any of them for her. I did, eventually, on purpose.
After our "break" from friendship, I was reminded of the good times. That's the only reason I wasn't constantly mad at her... I forget the bad and hold on to the good, and the good has been VERY good. But the bad keeps coming and it's getting worse.
Being away from her made me look at things differently. It allowed me to take a step back and to analyze. I ended up deciding to give it another shot. I began to notice how obsessive she is. It's going to sound horrible and weird, but... it's like she's obsessive... and possessive... of me. The way she talks to me, how much she talks to me, the way she clings to me and wants to be close and hug and how she has to inspect my boyfriend before anything happens and how she refuses to acknowledge my personal space... And she's SO FULL OF HERSELF! She's commented on pictures I've taken of her saying how beautiful and gorgeous and sexy she looks. She says things to me ALL the time that make me feel stupid, beneath her, and does it in front of my other friends sometimes too, making her look intelligent, wise and mature while I look like an ignorant, narrow minded ass. Her excuse for her unintentional acts of demoralization and degradation is that it's just the way she is. She's "blunt." She's the youngest, female child in her family and is discriminated against all the time and doesn't get any attention, of which she so greatly craves, but she's a tough chick. Ohhh yeah! She's gonna beat this person up and that person... and do this and that 'cause she's so strong! Right. Because the cries for sympathy would never make me think otherwise. Her tough exterior has holes apparently. Yet she's so successful! Oh yes! She works for some artist and doesn't let you forget the fact that he's famous. (I've never heard of him before and can't even remember his name... I don't even like his work... but whatever makes you happy...) She gets paid a lot and it's just swell! She's also been accepted to a college for part-time studies while still in school! WOW! She not only knows what she wants in her future but she's already halfway there! Her grades are slipping... from A's to B's and B's to C's in a couple subjects though... the poor thing. But it's because she's terribly stressed out from all of this work and responsibility that is being put on her shoulders. She's complained many times about how stressed out she is because of all her issues right now, not to mention personal issues... because her family is dysfunctional (and nobody else's is?) and she doesn't get enough time with her man. And, of course, her problems are always worse than yours. So! Never fear! Someone else has it worse than you, my dear! Doesn't that make you feel better? Well, no. It never did.
The latest thing is that she wants to get into photography because the ECU people said they want to see more of her digital work in her portfolio in order to get in. She keeps asking me if I could teach her how to take good pictures and show her how the camera works and this and that. Maybe I would if the situation were different, but nobody taught ME anything. I figured things out on my own. Well, tomorrow she's probably going to get a new camera! She's asked me for advice on the model...
1st, I don't know her budget.
2nd, I don't know how high quality she wants it.
3rd, I have ONE camera. And just because I have ONE camera doesn't mean I know dick-all about any other camera! Well, it doesn't matter. She's looking at getting the Canon XSI - the same camera I have. How coincidental. You know how long it took me to get enough money for my camera? Or how long it took me to decide which one? How much research went into it, and comparing of prices, and physical handling of them photographic suckers? I didn't start off with a DSLR, either. Lucky her!
I'm just so, so, SO TIRED of her. I can't stand her! I hate feeling stupid, degraded, like I'm being taken advantage of, like I'm being copied or clinged on to, like I'm her puppet or her pet. I hate the way we are with each other. She's all "Ori! Ori!! Ori!!!" and I'm like "Can I help you?" and she laughs and I'm not really joking. I've had enough of it. There's just one little problem...
How do you tell such a long-time friend, who's oblivious to your feelings, that you don't want to partake in the friendship any longer, while you're terrified of her reaction and of the guilt that you will be drenched in by the time you're finished?
The easiest would be to cut off all contact completely from her... but that's probably not the best way to go about things. I don't know what to tell her. I just want to say to her, "I kind of hate you," and leave. I love her and I don't want her to be sad or unhappy or hurting but I can't go on like this. But what do I tell her?
What do I tell her?