Saturday, January 31, 2009

Caution: major lack of self-esteem.

Song of the Glob: Big Girl (You are beautiful) by Mika.

Dear Globlets,

I wrote the following (awful) post the other day when my self-esteem had hit rock bottom. I don't feel like this every day but I do still feel and think about a lot of what I say in it, all the time. I'll probably write a glob with this, among a few other things, in mind. It should make more sense and be less stupid.
A lot of this probably came out wrong too... :/

This is how I was feeling the other day:

I’ve been dealing with this issue for quite a while now. So many times, recently, have I come close to crying but always managed to assure my tears that letting them out later would be better.

I saw this smoking-hot girl in a movie, playing someone a lot younger than she actually is (as was her co-star), whom you merely have to type “me” in the search box to find her name come up first in the recommended links on Google. It could have easily been a fluke between time, prick and porn, but I began comparing myself to her, then to other “beautiful” people on television and in videos or films. I know how stupid it is to do that. To compare a normal person to a celebrity/model/actress/singer who has enough money to get the plastic surgeries they want, to pay for their personal trainers, to spend hours working out, to pay for all the skin-cleaning products they need, to permanently remove every unwanted hair or mark on their body, to have hair and makeup stylists on-call, to get airbrushed and edited, to make sure the media refrains from exploitation and exhibition of their bad pictures… is stupid. Perhaps it’s hypocritical of me to do and think these things since I readily fight to help my friends understand that they are beautiful, because they are, and I like reminding them of that, but I’m caught in my own self-doubt, nevertheless. It’s not advice that I can seem to take, myself.
I went through the list of all the body parts that I currently own to see how many I could find that I like.
- One.
I like one thing about myself. (Well, technically, there are two of them but they count as one because they’re the same thing-ish.)
Before, when a question like “If you could change your physical appearance in some way, would you?” was raised, my answer was no. I figured I could fix certain imperfections with the aid of time and money, both of which I do not currently possess. Lately, I’ve been thinking that yes, I would change things, and not just a couple of things, but the other 99.99% of things about me that I dislike. Would I ever go through with plastic surgery? I can’t say that I would, no. Maybe one thing, but … maybe not. Now I’m confusing, so I’ll bring up the excuse that never fails me: it’s late and I’m tired. (Emotional as well, but not PMSing. So, suck it!)

I’m really tired of doubting myself.
In the past, I’ve been told that I am beautiful and I do believe those words, but only at the time they are said because later on, I think, and that’s never a good thing. I think things like, “Yeah, but that’s coming from seeing the tip of the iceberg alone; cursed be the day you see more.” or “Try saying that and meaning it, on my worst day, when my hair is a mess, when I could use a shower, in bad lighting, from a horrible angle, stark naked.” - not that I would ever blame anyone for not being able to go through with that. But then, one remembers that you also don’t see celebrities like that.
I guess, since being beautiful is out of the question, in my opinion, all I want is to feel beautiful. Maybe sexy too. But how do you feel sexy and beautiful if you’re convinced that you’re not?
I hate claiming to be the victim… but I do, do it… I don‘t mean to. I don’t want anybody telling me I’m beautiful because I want to hear it. I don’t want anybody telling me I’m beautiful because they want to get something out of it… out of me. I don’t want to hear it out of pity or sympathy. I want to hear it because someone genuinely thinks it.
I am aware of those who think I’m beautiful, and of those who think I’m pretty, and of those who think I’m cute, and of those who think I’m half-decent, and of those who think I’m “bleh.” I might be wrong about it once in a while, but other times it’s quite clear. I wish certain people matched up with different adjectives sometimes, though…

“Me______” is hot, but not beautiful. She is, sometimes, but if she’s only beautiful sometimes, then she’s just that.
There’s inner beauty and there’s outer beauty. I’m blind to any inner beauty I might have, but, selfishly so, I do wish I had more outer beauty. That sounds horrible and it probably reduced my inner beauty score by 30%, but I still feel it.
Maybe one day I will feel good about myself. I did, a little, for a while at some point, but drown me in a tub of ice-cream and get me something fried and coated in chocolate, we haven’t changed or grown an inch since 5’1.
It’s cold in this freezer. Let’s see if I warm up and melt a little. Maybe I’ll open the door, ‘cause you can’t always wait for someone to open it for you.


FionaMarie said...

I'm not just saying this because I read your blog, I'm saying this because it's true, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL ORI! and don't tell me I'm lying cause I'm not, you should love yourself the way you are, and I know it's hard, it is hard for me too, and they're alot of days when I wanna rip off my skin so no one will see me and I won't look like I do, but I still try, and it took me along time to get where I am today, I was never happy I hated myself for more than half of my life, I listen to people now when they say nice things and am starting to believe them, no matter how hard it is, but it's better to think of the nice things people say, instead thinking about all the crap they say.
I hope one day you'll realise how beautiful you are or even just feel a bit better about your self, your a great person! so even if it's hard remember you are one of the bestest people ever!

Mommet said...

I don't know if this will help, but I would like to remind you that nobody, not one single person on this planet, thinks they are beautiful 100% of the time. I feel beautiful maybe 10% of the time, and that's probably generous. I can assure you even Me___ has bad hair and lousy acne days. Her beutiful percentage is probably closer to 90% but she's also a freak genetic accident. Plus who knows, she may be really stupid too ;)

I know my opinion will be judged biased, but I will offer it nonetheless. You ARE beautiful, inside and outside. You don't always look your best but at 7am I don't expect you to. You never leave the house not looking your best (or at least decent ;)) so what you look like hidden away behind the doors of the house, who honestly gives a shit! And you shouldn't either. You are the most kind-hearted, funny, talented girl I've ever met and I will do everything in my power to help you feel good about yourself. If you ever have a tinkling of doubt just let me know & I'll beat the crap out of it for you.

Btw, that's a perfect song :)

Saint Simmy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Saint Simmy said...

How many times do I have to tell you, babe? I love you because you are beautiful. ‘Course, you already know my definition of Beautiful: Quality of character on the inside that leaks out to make you attractive on the outside as a bonus. I'm so glad that I get to love you, and think of ways to make you have a better day, and I don't want to hold anyone else’s hand but yours. You are very beautiful, inside and out. No matter how many times I say it, you seem to forget. Do you believe me? Please do. You're cute feet, sexy legs, incredible eyes, face, and body, are only surpassed by your loving, dedicated heart that radiates so much so that anyone around you can see it. It makes people want to be with you.

It makes me want to be with you.

Did I ever tell you that I love you?

Ori. said...

Thanks, guys. <3