Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Illogical songs.


Song of the Glob. (See end of Glob)

Dear Globlets,

I've written those two words (Dear Globlets) numerous times in the last little while only to have nothing follow them. I think it's because I have a lot on my mind, (probably more than I've ever had and it's bound to continue to increase until some decisions are made... or I'll get used to it as I grow older) and I don't know where to begin.
I really feel like smashing my head against the window over and over... or smashing watermelons down on the ground from the rooftop... but watermelons are expensive even though they taste like nothing because they're always imported and were never given a chance to grow up in a friendly environment... Poor watermelons. :( I guess I won't smash them then. They don't deserve to die just because they've had a rotten childhood! *cue Bohemian Rhapsody: I'm just a poor boy from a poor family. He's just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from his monstrosity - doodoodoodoodoodoodoo. Easy come, easy... ok, enough*

Here we go again with not knowing where to start. Of course it doesn't help to randomishly break out in song. But I really don't know. I don't know where to start while globulating it, I don't know where to start in real life. I think I know what I need to do. I know that if I make the "wrong" decision though, I'll still have time to repair the "damage." "Life may be short, but it's the longest thing you'll ever do," right? I'm just afraid of the consequences and the potential risks associated with my choice. I'm afraid of being wrong and doing the wrong thing. But at the same time, who is to say wrong is really, or will be, wrong? (Unless I end up living on the streets :/ ) Everyone is afraid of making mistakes and no one is forever protected from them, no matter how hard they try to hide. Everybody messes up once in a while, it makes us human.
The solutions to my problems could be simple, and simpler still if someone speaks it as a broken down equation. I think it's harder for people to simplify and answer their own equations.
I'm not making much sense, am I? Don't expect things to get any clearer.

The root of this is, I really don't know what I want. I've talked about this before in one of my semi-recent globulations, but my doubts and questions and whatnot are still very much present in my life and mind, and as I said earlier, they seem ever-increasing. So what do I do with the crap floating around in my mind? I globulate it. You're welcome for the visual!
I appreciate the faith that my family and friends prove/say they have in me. But being me, I have very, very little faith in myself. So little, it's ridiculous sometimes.
I would love to be a musician and to study music and to write music. I feel like crying at the thought of... well, I don't know. Not being able to play the piano because I wouldn't have enough time? Having to give up music to make room for more important things? I feel like crying when I long to play the piano as well, or when I wish I'd write something or learn to play something flawlessly... but don't/can't... I miss it all the time. *Sing: I love you all the time. Except when you are mine. To love be with you is a crime. Woah...* Nothing is really stopping me from playing except for guilt. Guilt for not doing all the other things I'm supposed to be doing. Never mind the haunting idea that I would never be good enough. Although, of all the things I doubt about myself, I do think that I could be good if I put my mind to it. But unless I made it big in the music industry, I would still need a proper job and income.
That's one thing.
I'd also like to be a photographer. I adore taking pictures, especially of people.
I'd also like to be a writer. That would mean I'd need to take a lot of English and other writing courses. That's not a bad thing... I guess I just struggle with the courses I'm taking with FVDES because I've lost a lot of respect for the school, the teachers and the courses. The assignments often seem very petty, time-consuming, I don't learn anything from a bunch of them, there are constant typos throughout the materials... it's like they've never used spell-check but they turn around and tell you to proof-read your work and reduce your marks when things are grammatically incorrect. Hmmm.
I know I've got to do stuff that I don't want to do to get what I want. And I think I know what I've got to do. I'm getting some ideas as I'm writing this and now I have a bunch of research to do. I think it involves putting music on the back burner, which sucks, but I don't know what else to do, and it hurts but... yeah.
I think I'm going to have to shut a lot of my activities out of my day so I can strap myself to a chair, sit there and take every hit from my courses with not but a grunt. I think I'm going to look into SIDES. Maybe it'll be better. I want to do stuff online. I hate paper-based courses. The school rarely goes over the materials and they require more work than is necessary. (compared to online work)
There's more but I think you can get the gist of what I mean.
This seems to be the only way I can find. It's smarter, I suppose, and I already figured that this would be the way things would turn out. Music will have to be a hobby, something to do in my free time, if I ever have any of that again. It's easier to eliminate music than anything else, especially because it's one of the greatest distractions from school work ever. In the back of my mind, though, there is a little voice saying, "NO! Don't do it! Don't stop!" but I don't know what else to do.
And it hurts.

My current situation-life song is Logical Song by Supertramp...

When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me
But then they sent me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, oh responsible, practical
And then they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical

There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
Please tell me who I am

I say: Now watch what you say
Or they'll be calling you a radical
A liberal, oh fanatical, criminal
Oh won't you sign up your name
We'd like to feel you're acceptable,
respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable
whoa (tick tick tick yeah)

But at night when all the world's asleep
The questions run so deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am

3 comments:

Ori. said...

So what do I do after I post this globulation? I sit down at the piano and make more music.
Somebody, please, take a popsicle stick and poke my eye with it.

Mommet said...

Whatever you decide to do, don't stop doing the things you love. You should try to never stop doing things you love to do because it's very hard sometimes to get back to them later. Once you get off the track it's not so easy to get back on it.

Maybe what you need to do is structure your time better, time between music, writing, and photography. The other things still need to be taken care of, of course; it's impossible to get out of courses, work, chores. But if you use good time management, one that works for you, then you'll be able to do all the things you love as well. I know you will. Unfortunately the trick is to figure out what method works for you but it can be done.

And as far as being a confused teenager goes, welcome to a very large club :) OK, I haven't belonged to it for a while but let me assure you, not being a teenager anymore certainly doesn't guarantee clarity about where one's life is going. Maybe adults just get better at hiding their confusion?

Sarah said...

A comment about the switching to SIDES stuff:
Why not just switch to online courses with FVDES? Stay in the same school, easier from a paperwork point of view.
Also, if you are really sick of school and just want to get it over with (believe me I know that feeling) why not consider one of those Open Learning school thingies? It's a fast track to graduate before you turn 19. I have a friend who just goes in to a learning center place once a week to get help with stuff, and then they give her the package for the following week. Kind of simplifies things. Check out what options you have in your area. Where I am, we have Colleges, Learning Opportunity centers, Continuing Education, blah blah blah, etc. They all offer different options.