Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Mild Stupidities and Complaints, with in-depth Miracle Hwip Hating,

Song of the Glob: Money's Too Tight (to Mention) by Simply Red

Dear Globlets,

How shall we start? With some complaining, of course! Hwat better way, right? I'm stiff and sore and could use a massage as well as a shower because I walked a lot today and got all sweaty and gross and it's lovely and yes you absolutely needed to know that and I'm cold and I'm hot but I'm not hot and not cold because Katey Perry is weird and the wind coming from the window behind me is making me colder but I still feel hot so... I'll take a shower and put on some socks. Socks and showers fix everything. Except if you have foot fungus... then socks are of the ungood. And showers are ungood if it's in a yucky shower with mold and spiders. Wait, that's like OURS! But the mold isn't bad. It probably has to do something with the fact that it's been there for years before we moved in. We've cleaned most of it. And there have only been a couple of spiders so far. Little ones. But they're YUCKY no matter how small they are. They GROW! Damn it.
I probably smell too.
Dog damn, don't you just love me?

'This is the First Day of My Life' is a fantastic song. And 'The Bubble' was a really great movie. I want to see 'The Girl in the Cafe' again.

I got a call about a job today. Not: "I got a call today about a job," which is what I originally wrote. That's not right. I was reading somewhere... I think it was Harper's magazine... about how certain kinds of words go in a certain order and... yeah. That seems like a boo-boo to me.
Anyway... Woot! Job. It's a really nice place. I was with Fi today when my bro called me to tell me the bakery/cafe called and for the life of me I couldn't remember where the place was. I was thinking about it the whole time after I talked to my brother. I was really racking my brain! Fi was probably getting annoyed because every once in a while I'd space out, busy scrambling through all the names and locations of places I dropped my resumes off at. I went to LOTS of places, okay? I could go to more because there are a few I didn't go to downtown but this place could be promising. I'd also really, really like to work at this cupcakery that's moving to a downtown location. They'll be needing new staff soon. You can't be unhappy working with cupcakes, right? They're up there with unicorns and rainbows, man! But like I said, Kadalima's, which really is Kadalima's, not Cadalina's or Kadalina's, is a very nice place. Real pretty/fancy desserts and bakededness. I'm sure I'd get great experience there.

I called the guy back and because I have a reputation for leaving pathetic, confusing, stupid messages on answering machines, I wrote down what I would say once someone picked up the phone. I had it organized as such:
- If I get the answering machine
- If someone answers the phone and he's there
- If someone answers the phone and he's not there
- If he answers the phone (I left this one blank after the initial greeting)
I got the answering machine. Joy! So I wrote/said this: "Hi, this is Oriana Varas returning "D’s" call." Not bad, right? Well, it wouldn't be if the answering machine hadn't gone like, "Hi, you've reached D's phone..." Great! He'll think I'm an idiot. Who else would the message be for if I contacted D's direct line? I had to say it, though. Because that how I wrote it. :(
In short, it went like this:
"Hey, you've reached D..."
"Hi, this is me, trying to reach D..."

And now I am tired and want to go to sleep. I will go to bed soon. I think I'll take my shower, put my hair up in those tie-y thingies to make my hair curly, then go to bed. Also, my face exploded. It's lovely. And I want money to buy the amazing shoes I keep seeing. Donations are now being accepted.

Miracle Hwip sucks. It's the worst thing on the planet, second only to gonorrhoea. It's not mayonnaise. I really hope they don't claim to be that. You can't eat toasted blueberry bagels topped with smoked salmon and freakin' Miracle Hwip! It has to be REAL mayo. Preferably Kraft. I should start a Facebook group against Miracle Hwip, Pro-Kraft and real mayo.

Fi looked great today. Very hot outfit. Got pics of her so you can check them out soon, if you like.

I'm also in love with Franz Ferdinand. <3 I want more of his CDs. But I think "Franz Ferdinand" is about as stupid an album title as the fragrance, "Paris Hilton," by Paris Hilton. Almost. It's slightly less stupid.

I'd better go. I has to get up painfully early tomorrow to go with my mom to the mainland. The divorce procedures are finally moving along. 5th UNniversary this August.

Maybe I could nap in the shower. Two birds, one stone?


Thursday, April 9, 2009

Great quote.

Song of the Glob: Haha! by Dr. Demento:

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
- Doris Egan

I love it. And it's totally true.
If you're religious and you say to someone that you're hearing voices, they call the psychiatric hospital. If you say to someone that you're hearing God's voice, then it's okay.
Well, it's not. If you hear god talking to you, it still means you're hearing voices and that's not healthy.

Bill Maher was on The View a while ago... I can't believe that that lady believes the Noah's Ark thing. What a flippin' nut job! Here's part one:

And I can't embed the second part, so here's the link:

The second one is more along the lines of what I was talking about. Talking to god is mentioned... If you're not interested in the whole thing you can skip to 6:07ish. What does she say? "I know to believe in god you have to suspend a lot of logic but..." Lady, nothing you say after that can justify that concept.
Great reaction from Bill Maher thanks to a not-so-great reaction from the audience. Check out 6:15.

Also, pause the second part at 5:40 for a giggle. Teehee!

Monday, April 6, 2009

I Love My Vagina.

Song of the glob: Cell Block Tango from the Chicago soundtrack.

Dear Globlets,

I am very glad I am female. Seriously, I would never give up menstruation, premenstrual moodi/bitchiness, cramps and bloating, or my boobs, my vagina, emotional and psychological problems regarding self-image, and so on, for a penis. Please note: I'm writing this with heavy-duty cramps and a lovely hot-waterbottle behind me. That's really saying something. It's not to say that men don't have boobs, moodi/bitchiness and bloating, of course, just as I don't mean that women don't have dicks. Face it, this is the 21st century. You can get anything you want for the right price. Except for world peace and love to come when and how you want it and the ability to prevent world hunger and homelessness and a penguin to have as a pet in your Manhattan apartment and a healthy hamburger or ice-cream and a movie that turns out to be better than the book and for hate crimes to cease and to be able to complete a Rubik's cube by looking at it and mastering levitation and for seeing your dead great-great-grandmother and go back in time for a day to the house where you grew up. But you can twist some of those thing to make them "happen," and the end of world hunger/homelessness is totally possible in this day and age but... where's the profit?

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Female > Male. And it seems to be true: we are much more efficient and important beings, we multi-task, we bring life, we sustain that life (I won't ever understand people who dislike breast-feeding in public), we remember the little things and do things without having to be told, we look at one thing and see five other things (and no, I don't mean because we're crazy), and I might as well throw in the crime rate difference for men and women.
It is a curse and a blessing for the women who think five moves ahead. We know what has to be done, we see it before it's in front of us, we think of it before anyone points it out, and we do it not for ourselves, nor for someone else, but simply because it has to be done. No medal expected; no medal asked for.
It's also a curse because most men don't have the same mindset.
To cover my ass: not all women are good at the game like this (although you have to ask why) and not all men are careless, carefree, churls. "

The problem is, most guys I've met are just that. Unless you point, shove their face in something, and say "LOOK HERE," they won't see it. Oh, sweet ignorance and delicious obliviousness.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that women are perfect, but we seem to do a much better job at Life-chess than men. Why is that? Why don't men unselfishly see the bigger picture and see what's outside of the box? Why do they still hold empty paper-towel rolls up to their eyes? Why do they so often have selective hearing? Why do they have to ask, "Well, what's in it for me?" Why does it have to benefit them personally for something to get done?
It's because they just don't care. They really don't. They like to think they do, and they like to say they do, but then they don't let you forget that "they do."

I think selfishness is a branch of carelessness. You don't care about anything or anyone else, you don't care about the affects of your actions or lack thereof; you care only about yourself. And that's a mistake.
Another mistake is to think that you're doing a good job when you're not. It's important to not convince yourself that you're rockin' the chessboard scene because if you think that, you've got the empty paper-towel rolls around your eyes again. Chances are, you're doing exactly what you think you're not. Out of selfishness? Maybe that's not the right word. Sanctimoniousness? (What a sexy freakin' word!)
But... "Boys will be boys."
Well, you know what? That's not okay with me and it shouldn't be for anyone!
"Girls will be girls." Does that mean girls have to obsess over fashion, shoes, clothes, shopping, celebrities and glamour? Does my goal in life have to be to marry someone and raise a family?

Man, I am so tired of the media telling me what I should do, shouldn't do, what I should look like, purchase, boycott, watch, listen to, read, think, feel, believe, love, hate, etc. I'm so glad I've managed to create a decent filter for these things. But then I worry about the younger people, the weaker people, the people who are fed the media and eat it up like they haven't eaten in years because that's all they know. It pisses me off.
Some stereotypes were created for a reason. Others piss me off so much that if these shoes didn't cost me $680, I'd throw one at them.

That's leading to another topic that I'm not prepared to globulate about just yet. But don't worry, I have some ideas up my sleeve... and maybe a butcher's knife too.
You'll see.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


Dear Globlets,

I thought this was a really good video. It's slightly long but it's interesting the whole way through, so you won't feel the need to twiddle your toes or pick your nose.

I also love this video... I don't know if I posted it before but I think it... uhhh... opens one's eyes?:

I wonder how many religious people have watched this and nodded their heads and said, "Yup, that's how it would be."