It's surprising how much fluid is still managing to leak from underneath my eyeballs. I guess I won't have to pee at all today.
It always starts when music is discussed. My mom asked me when I was going to play the guitar again and I told her I don't have the time. I almost started crying then and there because I want to play. I want to play the piano too. I want to be amazing it. At both instruments. But I can't.
I've known this would happen for a very long time but I still couldn't seem to do anything about it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm going to be 18 one month from today that has made me shit myself so much. Maybe it's the fact I saw Jacquie driving a car the other day - a girl from school who used to be really mean to me, who should still be a fifth grader and not driving a big SUV. I can't drive yet. That's another thing. I don't have the time to learn how to drive. I barely have enough time to read for fun.
The beauty of home/un-schooling is that you're able to do things on your own time, focus on things you enjoy doing, acquire skills and knowledge that you likely would not if you went to high school. I hear incredible stories about people who have been able to achieve so much and go so far because they were able to focus on what mattered to them the most. They were able to dance and dance and become well-known ballet dancers. They were able to become successful writers, musicians, and so on. They were able to work at their talent and go where they wanted to go. I admire them. I might have been able to do that if I had the courage to. Now it's too late.
The thing is, I'm trying to get into a school like UVic. I'm taking the courses I need to complete to get in, via Distance Ed. I plan to study things I like there: writing and photography (if the Ph. course is worth it.) There's just a part of me that wishes someone had said, "Okay, you want to be a musician? Take the year to study and play music. Just music. And you'll get amazing and Juliard will beg you to go there." But that would never happen and it never will. I don't think I am or ever could be good enough.
I made that sound easy. It wouldn't be a shortcut, I'd have had to work really hard for that.
But music has to be a hobby and nothing more. It's unrealistic to think otherwise.
So, what am I going to do? Well, since hobbies are for fun and personal enjoyment, they have to be scrapped until other, more important things are completed. Like school. Oh yes, it will be very easy. I will just put all my music away in a box somewhere and forget about it. I will unplug the piano and give my guitar to Adrian. Then I will focus only on my schoolwork and be done "high school" in a year.
THEN will you start piano and guitar again? No! Then I will see if I can get into UVic or Camosun or something.
Will you not have time for music then? Who knows! Probably not. :)
Why don't you just practice for an hour each day? I don't have an hour each day to practice. I need longer than that to get anything done anyway. If it's scheduled, it's not as natural.
What if you curl up in a hole and die? Hey, yeah! That sounds great!
I'm sorry. I know I've got to do my school shit. I know I've got to learn how to drive. I know I need a job. And I think cutting out music is the only way I'll be able to do all these things. These important things. These stupid important grown up things. Everybody does them. I should too.
Every day that goes by, whether I do schoolwork or not, feels like I'm one day further away from being finished. One step forward, two steps back. Every day. And I don't know what to do about it.
"Just do your work!" Yeah. I get it. But obviously I don't. And if I don't, I don't know why I don't. I don't know how so much time has gone by with so little to show for it. Like sand through the cracks between your fingers. Quickly, smoothly, consistently, each grain invisible, but you feel them all.
And now comes camp. I have so much to do beforehand, it scares me. I'm worried about camp this year. I'm worried that, since it's an un/home-schooler's camp, there will be amazing people there just like there is every year, who've achieved or are achieving something incredible. I'm worried they're going to put the idea that I can do whatever I want to do in my head when it's become so apparent to me that I can't. So many of them are wonderful, talented musicians. Will I play the piano there? I think I shouldn't. It's so hard to say no to it.
I've been crying off and on, mostly on, for two hours. I need a shower, food, proper clothes, and to fix my face before work in less than two hours.
The only thing I'm really looking forward to about camp right now is the hugs. I hope it's going to be a good one. It'll probably be my last.