Wednesday, August 5, 2009

REGULAR PAIR OF JEANS.




Dear Globlets,

This wasn't the first time this had happened to me on a quest for jeans...
Firstly, it's very difficult to tell what size I wear. I range from size 5 to size 9 depending on the style and where I'm shopping. A 6 usually fits. If it doesn't, I get horribly depressed until I realize that I'd rather not be Asian and have a twelve year-old's body even if they don't sweat. Also, if the jeans pull off a layer of skin from my calf because they're too tight AND they're a size 6, we never shop there again. We shop at Purdy's. One chocolate fits all?
As if it isn't hard enough to find a pair of jeans that the junk in my trunk can fit in AND accommodates my (what seems to be) abnormally small waist, in that it doesn't leave four inches of excess room, the step before trying on any pair is finding one that isn't a terrible style for my body.

All I wanted was a regular pair of jeans. A REGULAR PAIR OF JEANS. A REGULAR PAIR OF JEANS!!! Am I making this clear?
All I wanted was a regular pair of jeans... with no holes. No whisker wash. No tint. Not oven-baked. Not frayed. Not blasted. Not coloured. Not belted. (Yes, I looked up terms in a jeans guide.)
I don't want skinny jeans because I'm not skinny and by wearing skinny jeans I will undoubtedly appear ginormous, disproportionate, and devastatingly stupid.
I don't want ripped jeans because... see above. They can look good, don't get me wrong... but I figure I can rip my own jeans and not pay $200 for ones already ripped or pre-wrinkled. I just find something wrong with that.
I don't want flared or bell-bottom jeans even though I think they're pretty cool... I just look like... Well, there's curvy and then there's curvy, and I feel I needn't add extra curves to an already curvy body. Sure, it'll make my waist look tiny, but only because it's contrasting with the illusion of a three foot wide hip-span. I drew a picture because I felt I wasn't getting my message across as well as I wanted:


I don't want to go for a vintage look, like my jeans have been around for ages and seen the good and the bad over the years. I like the clean look. I like dark wash and light wash, but not the too blue lighterish wash. I don't want to wear them above my belly button and I don't want a tacky jean than clings to my ankles while making my bum look like a couple of saggy watermelons. Go ahead and picture that now. I don't want flap pockets because they usually make a bum look bigger and when you sit, they like to stand up and bend in stupid ways that you have to fix by ironing them.

What I need is a relatively straight leg. It should be tight, though stretchy and still allow blood circulation, on the thigh, and once at the knee, flare ever so slightly out. Low-rise jeans, which are pretty much the only kind of jeans you can find in a store like Garage, Urban Planet, Sirens, Stitches, or any other young person clothing shop, are of the no-good. Crack kills, and Luc knows that if you sit down in a pair of extra-low, or even just low-rise jeans, crack will surface. Is that why tunics are so popular? With a regular-rise jean, still below one's belly button, your pants will have the support they need. They will be above your bootylicious hips and stay there without extreme gaping between the small of your back and the back of your jeans. Don't know what I'm talking about? Think of diet and anti-fattage ads when people hold their pants out in front of themselves. Now picture that except with the pants having all the room in the back. Curvy-style can work too, so long as it isn't flared. Boy, was that a mistake. *cue mermaid*

The only way to find a good pair of jeans, and by good I mean good quality and good fit, is to pay the big bucks. I don't mean hundreds of dollars for sparkles and rips and trendy details. I mean $50-$150 for a pair of jeans from a store that sells only jeans and/or gears their clothing towards real people. They'll have more and better selection of jeans.

It just pisses me off that low-rise skinny-jeans are the most common jeans, and that it's very difficult to find jeans that fit curves.

Now, please, if you're going to wear skinny-jeans, make sure that you're not chubby because bad things will happen. It's not a flattering style if you don't have great, thin legs. Also, wear nice shoes with them. High-heels + thin legs + skinny jeans = usually good.
Fiona pulls it off really well. That's her in the pictures at the beginning of this post.

That's all. I'm done.

4 comments:

Tentacleslol said...

Ori-Mermaid boobs and ass are not to scale.

Ori. said...

Perhaps. But 'scale' is kind of a pun.

FionaMarie said...

Your boobs are bigger then that =P
and my jeans were no where near $200 i;m not that crazzzzy! lol

and here is my personal jean advice... you should get a regular rise dark wash boot cut jeans, and if I was you I would goto to bootlegger at mayfair, they have alot of expensive jeans, but usually I find a $40 pair that fits greaaaaat! and I have the same but to waist thing (causee I have a 12 inch diffrence between waist and hips ahah)
I will go with you if you would like! =D

Ori. said...

Haha! That's *exactly* what I plan to do! And maybe... That'd be fun. And I didn't think yours were :P But I know people buy overpriced jeans ;)