Friday, November 6, 2009

The secretly Mexican hypochondriac TV show host who wants sound-wave therapy just because.

Dear Globlets,

I went to see a doctor today. My family doctor is away so I went to a walk-in clinic. When you have severe, constant back pain that goes to your stummy that lasts for several hours, it is a good idea to consult a medical professional. I still get the really sharp long-lasting pain but it comes in waves and the medicine should help soon.

I'm really glad my mom was home today. We laid in bed and watched "Say Yes to the Dress" and cooking shows 'til our saliva dripped onto the pillows and our neighbours could hear our stummies growl. We kept saying, "OH THAT LOOKS SO GOOD! I've GOT to make that! I have to make this! Look at that, that's so easy to do! I can make that! Let's make this!" And we stayed in bed to watch other people make yummy food until we finally got up and had leftovers.
"But for dinner you surely made something exquisite and creative!"
Wrong. We got wor wonton soup. <3

That's what it is. The tumour is small and they can operate easily but... I'm secretly Mexican so I'm getting deported and won't be able to abuse the Canadian medical system any longer. Ay, dios mio. Que voy a hacer!? Mi nene con tentáculos no va a nacer en Canada ahora. Umm... ay, caramba! Esta es la primera vez que escribo algo en castellano en mi glob? Que wea? :P
Your translator will not translate "wea" by the way.

Actually, it's a bladder infection. I was embarrassed about it at first but it's a common thing, as it turns out, so I'm now okay with sharing the experience. (Lucky you!) I searched my symptoms online like I did last time my tummy hurt and I suspected I had gastritis, which was later confirmed by my doctor. In my previous globulation I was going to say something about how I was becoming convinced it was gallstones because the symptoms nearly fit. However, bladder infection was the second possibility listed next to gallstones. I must say, I prefer the infection. No surgery, but no chance to try out sound-wave therapy. :( I got some antibiotics and should be better soon unless it's something else and I get worse in which case I'll end up at the E.R. where I'll demand either Kovac or House to treat me. I liked Neela too. Or 13. She's so pretty. Incredible eyes. Yeah, 13 is my pick.

There are many things in this globulation that only my mom will understand. Sorry, but not really. Tentacles might keep up but... this is clearly geared to the majority of the people who read my glob. Sometimes that's just the way it is.

I had to pee in a cup at the clinic. It was terrible. I missed. I thought to myself that having a penis would be better for that because you could see what you're doing and aim but then I realized you probably splash everywhere. Vaginas ftw, baby. It was very awkward. Could have been worse. Could have slipped and fallen in it like Robert Downey Jr. in that movie.
Tentacles and I talked about it and we agreed they should have stickman signs explaining how and what to do with the cup and your hands and your genitals, etc. Seriously. His idea. <- *Credit*

So, within a month's time I've had gastritis and a bladder infection. Stay tuned, kids! Next month in Ori's Irritable Body: Appendicitis and an ulcer! I have a feeling it's going to be a good one! See you around next time, and don't forget: you're not the only one who misses! *shiny smile* *high-pitched chime sound*

Thursday, November 5, 2009

We wants a new stummy.

Dear Globlets,

I have a tummy ache.

For anyone who does not know me well, I have tummy issues very frequently. I'm allergic to random stupid things like lactose (milk), lettuce, corn, blueberries (to an extent), and probably many other things. However, I am extremely grateful to not be allergic to peanuts or wheat because I probably would have shot myself by now. I couldn't imagine being lactose, gluten and nut-intolerant. I think I'd have died. I'm pretty sure, in fact. I'd end up eating rice pudding made with soy or lactose-free or almond or rice milk for the rest of my life. (And steak.) It's nice that they have so many alternatives but I can't say the same for the prices.
[Half a gallon of lactose-free milk (the kind that I get) is about $5 on average. A whole gallon of regular milk is usually between $3-$5, closer to $3. I think other alternative milks are more expensive.]

I get tummy aches when I'm nervous which makes me even more nervous because I start thinking about having to run to a bathroom, dying, or throwing up. Or all of the above simultaneously. Now THAT'S the way to go if you're gonna go, 'cause when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I think it's funny that getting gas is like the most frequently appearing feeling of a near death experience one can have, provided you're not an adrenaline junky. Don't even get me started on lactose intolerant adrenaline junkies who happen to love eating cheese while skydiving. You might as well have an alien erupt through the flesh of your stummy. That's right: stummy. You've said it too, I know you have.
Gas happens often enough to know that it won't kill you but not frequently enough to immediately associate the pain with farting. You'll sit there hunched over, wincing, breaking a cold sweat, shivering, unsure of what position to be in to stop or reduce the pain, be it by rolling onto your side or standing or laying down or doing a Downward Dog... you just don't know. And all the while you think to yourself, "Oh god, I'm going to die. I'm too young to die. But I just want the pain to go away. Please, please kill me now. Blaaahhh. *weeps* *takes deep breaths* *whimper* This is it. This is the end. I'm dying a slow, painful death! Oh, but who has placed this curse of curses upon me? Who has summoned this daemon to inhabit and devour my belly from the inside? Who have I harmed so that they should wish me this cruel, torturous death? Who has..." PppPtthhttt.
"Oh, well I feel much better now, haha! Turns out it was just a bit of gas."

You feel like you're dying every time.

I can't believe I'm writing about this. I was going to complain about my tummy, not analyse the effects of gas.

Fact: Girls fart too. Did you really think we'd let boys have all the fun with lighters? Tsk tsk.

Unfortunately, after a glass of ginger ale, a cup of green tea, and writing the beginning of a Poor Me: My tummy globulation, I feel better. I can no longer complain about it.

I went away for a few hours and ended up with a really bad tummy-back ache, I ate dinner, and now I'm better. I don't understand. We'll see if it hurts tomorrow and if it does I'll go see a doc.

And now for something completely different:
When I was checking milk costs, I typed into google search "how much does" and was offered some suggestions to search. It's kind of interesting what came up...