Thursday, November 5, 2009

We wants a new stummy.

Dear Globlets,

I have a tummy ache.

For anyone who does not know me well, I have tummy issues very frequently. I'm allergic to random stupid things like lactose (milk), lettuce, corn, blueberries (to an extent), and probably many other things. However, I am extremely grateful to not be allergic to peanuts or wheat because I probably would have shot myself by now. I couldn't imagine being lactose, gluten and nut-intolerant. I think I'd have died. I'm pretty sure, in fact. I'd end up eating rice pudding made with soy or lactose-free or almond or rice milk for the rest of my life. (And steak.) It's nice that they have so many alternatives but I can't say the same for the prices.
[Half a gallon of lactose-free milk (the kind that I get) is about $5 on average. A whole gallon of regular milk is usually between $3-$5, closer to $3. I think other alternative milks are more expensive.]

I get tummy aches when I'm nervous which makes me even more nervous because I start thinking about having to run to a bathroom, dying, or throwing up. Or all of the above simultaneously. Now THAT'S the way to go if you're gonna go, 'cause when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I think it's funny that getting gas is like the most frequently appearing feeling of a near death experience one can have, provided you're not an adrenaline junky. Don't even get me started on lactose intolerant adrenaline junkies who happen to love eating cheese while skydiving. You might as well have an alien erupt through the flesh of your stummy. That's right: stummy. You've said it too, I know you have.
Gas happens often enough to know that it won't kill you but not frequently enough to immediately associate the pain with farting. You'll sit there hunched over, wincing, breaking a cold sweat, shivering, unsure of what position to be in to stop or reduce the pain, be it by rolling onto your side or standing or laying down or doing a Downward Dog... you just don't know. And all the while you think to yourself, "Oh god, I'm going to die. I'm too young to die. But I just want the pain to go away. Please, please kill me now. Blaaahhh. *weeps* *takes deep breaths* *whimper* This is it. This is the end. I'm dying a slow, painful death! Oh, but who has placed this curse of curses upon me? Who has summoned this daemon to inhabit and devour my belly from the inside? Who have I harmed so that they should wish me this cruel, torturous death? Who has..." PppPtthhttt.
"Oh, well I feel much better now, haha! Turns out it was just a bit of gas."

You feel like you're dying every time.

I can't believe I'm writing about this. I was going to complain about my tummy, not analyse the effects of gas.

Fact: Girls fart too. Did you really think we'd let boys have all the fun with lighters? Tsk tsk.

Unfortunately, after a glass of ginger ale, a cup of green tea, and writing the beginning of a Poor Me: My tummy globulation, I feel better. I can no longer complain about it.

I went away for a few hours and ended up with a really bad tummy-back ache, I ate dinner, and now I'm better. I don't understand. We'll see if it hurts tomorrow and if it does I'll go see a doc.

And now for something completely different:
When I was checking milk costs, I typed into google search "how much does" and was offered some suggestions to search. It's kind of interesting what came up...


Ori. said...

OH! I've always wanted to know how much Miley Cyrus weighs!!!

Tentacleslol said...

I knew thoes noises were coming out of your ass.

Ori. said...