Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Stuck in the Middle.
Song of the Glob: Stuck in the Middle by Mika.
I've been thinking about this for a while, but unfortunately I've been having some difficulty bringing out the words I want to say in a lot of cases. In fact, I've been thinking about a lot of things that I've been seemingly unable to put into the right words. But I want to try...
I seem to be stuck in the middle of these two different kinds of people that... are essentially the same... kind... of person. It's peculiar. Very, very peculiar. Maybe "it's what growing up is all about," but I can't identify as either of them.
One kind is the teenager. The kind of teenager television portrays to be the "normal" teenager, which of course is WRONG. That, or I'm just an exception. The problem is because people think this one way is the norm, it then becomes it whether it was intended to or not, just because nearly everyone thinks "it is the way it is." Or maybe I'm just too full of myself and I'm just thinking I'm different from everyone else when I'm not. Funny, that's exactly what many normal teenagers think - that they are different when they are not. So does that make me a typical teenager or an actual exception?
I feel teenagers are, more often than not, extremely immature and over-dramatic. (Typical teenager?) How would I know if I don't even go to high school? I have friends who go to high school, I sit on buses next to highschoolers, I have met with friends of friends who are highschoolers, I WALK BY THEM. The way they look at people/me when they go by, the way they talk to each other and about others, the way they dress, and the way they act all point to the kind of person they are. Perhaps it's judgmental, but we all judge people all the time, sometimes without even noticing. I've encountered some very cruel teenagers, but I've also met some who were most loving... The most loving teens, however, were ones that did not go to school. What is it about high school that so fucks up the minds of adolescents, where factors like manipulation and competition run high?
When I walk by a group of teens, I feel older than they are, more mature, uninterested in their (rather tragic) fashion trends, less able to follow the current high school generation's slang, less threatened than when I was younger, and more bored by them than anything else. They're a bad cliché. I don't feel like I am part of that world. I don't think I ever was, at least to a larger extent.
The other kind of person is post-teenager: the young adult. These are the kinds of women who usually look at me and think I'm a young teenager when most of the time I'm only a couple of years younger than they are, MAYBE. Not all of them, seeing as I get offered alcoholic beverages without question, but others still talk to me as if I'm much younger than they are. It's often older adults who think I'm older, too. (Excluding my landlord). It really sucks when people treat me like a child. It usually happens when I'm with my brother, who is almost as tall as me and four years younger. Then it is relatively understandable. I wonder if it's ignorant of me to think that the size of my tits, the way that I dress, the way I act, and the way I do my makeup would make me seem older than my kid-brother's female peers. I would hope it isn't ignorant of me, but I think it is. On the other hand, when I go out with my mom, we've been known to be asked if we want separate bills. Flattering for her, flattering for me, win-win. For years my mom's friends have apparently mentioned how mature I am, but when I asked some friends what they think of my maturity level, they just laughed.
There are times that I wish I could better relate to other young adults, but many times I feel like they're just as immature as teenagers. Is it because they went to high school too and they still have it in their system? There are some that I think are less like that... and by less like that I mean less assholeful. I just don't see a way for me right now to meet any mature young adults; not as long as I'm living here. You can tell me that it's because I'm not social enough because I didn't go to high school, but then you'd be wrong. I won't apologize for seeking quality in my friends instead of seeking quantity. So if that means not having a few good friends for a while longer, so be it. I wish I lived closer to some of my Camp friends because many of them are truly loving and quite mature. I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate the friends I have right now because I think they are of good quality, but it is our relationships themselves that are not of the highest quality. That's mostly because they're/we're all too busy or far away or involved with our own lives; they're too busy with their own, better relationships. I don't blame them.
It bothers me so much that I feel mature and immature at the same time. Even young, immature adults make me feel immature just because of the way they treat or even look at me. It might boil down to caring too much about what others think, but it doesn't stop me from doing things others might think is immature. For instance, I waited for 2 hours outside in the cold waiting for a ferry the other day. I could have been "mature" and stood around freezing my face off, or I could play footsie with my brother to keep warm. Guess what I did. I bet people looked at us funny, but I bet some wished they were playing too. Maybe I just don't believe in losing the fun side of myself, the "childish" side, for the sake of growing up. There's a time and a place for it, of course, and waiting in a line in the cold is a damn good time for it! Do I really have to lose that side of me so I can be "officially mature?"
I think what I look for most in a person is humility, modesty, and a realistic mindset. I also think there are too many people in the world who lack these traits. I think the majority of young people lack them. I suppose I can only hope I'll meet some fun, but sensible people when I go to Camosun College.
Camosun College. Consider this the first, though unconfirmed, announcement of my post-secondary plans. I'm going to meet with a counsellor person soon and make sure that I can get what I want with what I have and such, and I will make an official, confirmed announcement of my post-secondary plans at a later time.
If that doesn't make me feel like I'm growing up, I don't know does.