I'm trying to write my dad an e-mail. I'm crying. I'm trying to tell him about the shitty financial situation my mom has been put in along with the emotional and financial effects that his decision to leave the country will have on us. Us. You know, his family, the two kids he hardly knows. Oh yeah, us, right. The idea of my dad leaving really upsets my brother because the kid is worried about how much, and when, he'll see his dad. That's pretty justified, I think. I'm concerned about the financial aspect, though it's not my only concern.
He's 50. He's going to run off to Chile leaving his kids and responsibilities behind. Lucky guy. What the fuck? What the fuck. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. Without the $1500 he pays in Child Support every month + the extra $1000/mo somebody else wants from us is... hard to swallow. He should know what he's doing but I don't think he does. I have to tell him. I have to tell him I'm pissed off with him, that Adrian is upset, that he's putting us in a really shitty financial position, that retiring at 50 when he has two kids going to school full time (high school & university) is irresponsible and will harm what little there is left of the relationships he has with his children. I have to spell it out for him. Why do I always have to spell things out? "The stupid things you're doing are bad. Maybe you shouldn't do them."
So, what's the problem?
The problem is, I can't say it. I'm crying because I think of how he's going to respond to what I've said. I can't stand the thought of him being sad or angry or hurt... even though that's how he's made us feel so many times. I'd almost prefer to pretend he doesn't exist, but it makes me sad to think he'd miss me if I ignored him.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know if anything I end up saying will make him think twice. But I do know that I hate how he's made Adrian feel, and I can't sit here pretending it's okay. It's not okay.
Dad, your leaving, your retiring, is not okay. If you're not going to be there for us emotionally, at least be there for us financially.
I have no balls. Do I suck it up and let him have it? Or do I quietly wait for the shitstorm?
Well, when I put it like that...