Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Recently, I've felt a little down, especially when I was around two of my favourite people: The one girl who comes closest to being my best girlfriend (apart from my mom) and Sh, believe it or not.
In the past, after spending some time with Sh, I would feel a kind of anger and frustration towards him; I could not identify the source. I felt better once I knew what I was responding to; I realized it was something he had that I lacked and that the real emotion was envy. I thought it was strange to envy him due to his current situation. I would never give up my relationships with my family members for what he has, (then again, I don't need to,) but I do want even a fraction of it, nevertheless. He has friends. He has a lot of friends. He has friends who actively pursue his company. He has friends who ask if he wants to get together, hang out, go somewhere, etc. They say, "Hey, how's it going? Long time no see! We should meet up!" They support him in his artistic endeavours. They respond to his grammatically incorrect blog posts. They talk to him. They want to talk to him and they want to see him. I haven't felt wanted by a friend in a long time.
Some tell me they "would if they could" but they don't have the time and I live too far away. I've been over this before, having mentioned MSN, e-mail, Skype, telephones (for calls/texts), snail mail, Facebook, and singing telegrams, but I shouldn't have to suggest ways for people to communicate with me... that is, if I am their friend. If someone doesn't want to be my friend, they shouldn't pretend to be one whenever it fits in their schedule. So, yes, you could say that sometimes I feel like if I fell off the face of the earth, my mom's friends would know about it first and care more about it, too. Actually, I'm quite certain that that would be the case.
My best friends, as in the people I feel I can count on the most, are not people in my age group, with a couple of exceptions at best. I know them through my mom (not the exceptions). You might think that's weird and that I should be capable of forming friendships on my own and with people my own age, but it's the ones who are older than me who I can best relate to and converse with. The 40-something year old woman I sat next to in ENG094 wasn't studying to become a rocket scientist, but we could have a conversation - perhaps not about serious issues in the world or personal values, but for some reason we could talk. Another day, when I sat elsewhere in the class, I sat next to a girl who was closer to my age but she barely looked at me and was actually texting during class. (My kinda girl!/sarcasm.) In ENG092, I sat next to a couple of 20 year-olds who were very nice, but they had more in common with each other than with me. Unlike them, I don't watch Oprah, Tyra Banks, Dr. Oz, or the Bachelor(ette); I watch House, Battlestar Galactica, TBBT, Law & Order: CI, Weeds, Rescue Me, Shameless, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Dexter and Doctor Who. The only really light stuff I watch is SYTYCD and Say Yes to the Dress. That's the kind of prime time stimulation they seek and this is the kind that I seek; that's the kind of girl they are and this is the kind of girl I am. Do you catch my drift? I had multiple very nice conversations with a 50 year-old guy who was in my class while we waited for the bus stop. He wore a Midnight Oil t-shirt. I doubt I would have had a conversation like that with any of the girls from my class who were closer to me in age.
The problem with trying to be better friends with people who you consider your friends is that they already have friends. They already have good friends and best friends. They don't need any more friends. Besides, I've never done anything to imply that I would want to be their friend. Except for all the times that I did. But that's okay. As I've said before, I can't blame people for having lives that don't include me. I can't blame them for having other, better relationships that they choose to improve on more frequently than ours. The thing is, I don't have a best friend I can call up and talk to about anything, whenever I need or want to, other than my mom. I've either dated them to death and/or cut them loose because it was no longer healthy for me to be around them.
I'm not saying I'm not grateful for the people I know or for the people who I still consider friends. I'm saying I wish I wouldn't be given a false hope that we could be real friends as opposed to slightly-friendlier-than-acquaintance friends.
It's not even distance that is always the problem.
I know that I'm not going to be in this situation forever, or even for that much longer as I'll be going to school full time in September and will likely meet people with whom I'll share similar interests. I'm getting over my envy and frustration towards my "friends," and writing about it here helps.
For the record, even after all my complaining, I would still do anything for my friends. If someone needed a place to stay, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a word of advice, of consolation or of sympathy, a hug, or a mango pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, I would do/make that for them even if I knew things would go back to the way they were - mostly because I wouldn't think about how helping them would benefit me at the time. Because that's what friends do. Even if you don't want to be my friend, I'll probably always want to be yours. Maybe I've cut a few people loose over the years, but my hand is open to anyone who wants to grab onto it.