It appears as though I have just lost a friend. Again. (Not death.) He was my boyfriend for almost a year. When we broke up in late April, he stopped talking to me, but had recently started once again. According to him, that was a mistake.
I have many things I feel like I need to respond to in the e-mail he recently sent me, but I have been told not to reply to it. Forgive the drama, Globlets, but if I can't say it directly to him, I'll say it here.
Last week, he told me he had a shitty day and I asked him about it. This is how that conversation went:
Sp: "I'm tired of talking to you about my shit. I know you are tired of it too."
Me: "I'm not tired of the stuff a normal friend does like listen to the other's problems."
Sp: "What are you tired of?"
Me: "That's not what we're talking about right now"
Sp: "I want to know what you are tired of."
Me: "Now is not the time"
Sp: "I want you to tell me."
Me: "I don't want to talk about this right now."
Sp: "... Tell me."
So I told him. He didn't like it, and now he's disappeared and has asked me to refrain from contacting him in the future. I knew he was not in a good mood to begin with, and I knew that he could overreact to whatever I'd say, but I got angry with his persistence, and what I said was taken to an extreme I had not anticipated.
But I must have said some pretty hurtful things to warrant this kind of reaction, surely.
I told him I was tired of feeling like he was the boss of me, like he was superior, like everything was run on his schedule, of talking about the things we used to talk about when we were together and just as much as before (which was a problem that I had mentioned in April), of not having the space that I require and have requested, and of his overreacting to things. He took it as, "Sam, you care too much for me? Fuck off and die, I don't want to talk to you anymore."
The thing is, his very telling me to tell him something I didn't want to is an example of things running on his schedule, of him being the boss. He said what I said was not best friend material, a best friend would not say something like that, but what I said was never intended to be "nice or considerate or loving" because I was telling him how he made me feel. But apparently his feelings are worth more than mine. Apparently what I've said to him hurts more than anything he could ever possibly say to me, so he can say all the nasty shit he wants to me. When he says it, he's thought it through, but when I say something that carries an emotional weight, I'm being rash. Because I'm juvenile, you know?
I am more than willing to sit down and talk about how we've made each other feel so we can figure out a way to work things out. That's what friends do. That's what reasonable human beings do. That's what adults do. They don't run away because someone says something they don't like. I don't want to have to wait until he "calm[s] ... down & stop[s] being insane & stop[s] being mad at [me] for hurting [his] feelings & destroying our friendship." I want to fix this now. I am not going to wait around.
When we started talking again after the breakup, things were good. We would sometimes talk in the evening online and sometimes text each other about random occurrences in our everyday lives.
"Leggings should not be used as pants."
"Stupid girls should not get on the bus while texting and continue to text while walking really slowly to the middle of the bus, where they then block the way to the nearest seat which they could sit in but do not because they're inconsiderate dumbasses who have no respect for other people's time or awareness of their surroundings whatsoever." That was good. But over time, text messages came in more frequently.
"Good morning. How did you sleep?"
"What are you doing today?"
"How was class?"
"What are you up to?" And it got to be too much for me. In October, I told him it was getting to be a little much again, and he might have backed off a bit, but then he bounced back. He doesn't understand, it seems, that even though he lives in a different city, I still need more space. No, he's not constantly on my doorstep, but he's constantly on my cell phone. "1 new text message." It's not that I don't like texting, but I don't want to have to be tied to my phone 24/7. I don't know how to perceive his, "Hug. - Are you okay? - Oris alive? - Rawr - Dead," when I don't reply to his texts within a "reasonable" amount of time.
I appreciate the fact that he cared about me, but at the same time, I can't handle that kind of attention. Nothing says he can't care about me, I never said that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, I just want what we had these past couple of months in a more moderate dosage.
I want to hear about my friend's problems and some of the things he's up to, and I want to talk to him about my life too. I want those random "people are stupid" text messages, but I don't want to tell him everything about all the things I'm doing all the time. I want those Skype conversations in the evenings, but I don't want to come on every single night. I want to talk to someone who cares about me, but I don't want to have to worry about someone worrying about me all the time.
Maybe my idea of a best friend is incorrect, maybe what I want is unreasonable, maybe what I said was more than an expression of my feelings, but, despite all this, Sp still means a lot to me and that is a bridge I do not want to see burned. Unfortunately, he does.
As I said before, I don't want to live by someone else's schedule; I have my own. I don't want to abide by someone else's guidelines for a friendship. I have some say too. I'm not going to wait for him to come around this time. If he wants to talk, he knows how to contact me, but this is a limited time offer. Even if it is just to clear some things up, even if there is no hope for the existence of our friendship in the future, I still just want to talk.
For the most part, I disagree with the legalization of capital punishment, although there are certain circumstances when I think it could be applied. In a similar manner, friends fight sometimes, but I don't think this fight is worthy of a lethal injection. I believe in rehabilitative justice more so than retributive justice, and I also believe in a fair trial.
This is me requesting a court date.