Tuesday, January 4, 2011

O on O.

Dear Globlets,

In case you needed one more thing to *facepalm* to, here is OWN, the new Oprah Winfrey Network that you can find on cable TV. Isn't that excellent? Isn't that just what we needed? Isn't garbage television the perfect thing to watch if you want nonsense and reality-TV and advice from idiots ALL DAY LONG? Why yes, yes it is. And that's exactly what Oprah Winfrey has done: combined a series of total shit programs onto one TV station. We may just never use our minds to the extent that we could! We may never have to think critically or rationally because who cares about logic and science and education and other life-enriching things like art, literature (Yeah, yeah, she has a book club), history and quality music, when you can watch "Miracle Detectives?" Don't you want to know if miracles can happen? Because they sure sound cool. Let's leave our ability to question bullshit behind us, shall we?

The Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network talks about her "Ask Oprah's All Stars" show.
"'Ask Oprah's All Stars': Dr. Oz, Suze Orman and Dr. Phil all shout advice at the camera at the same time; whoever's loudest wins their own talk show. Losers are fed to a tank of great white sharks and torn limb-from-limb before a transfixed studio audience."


Frankly, I kind of like that one.

I also like the first comment on it: "Thank god the world ends next December."

My mom posted this video on Facebook:


Those people are insane. That, or they're faking it, because their reactions look so artificial to me. Are they? I know that if someone gave me a free spa package or something, I'd be like, "Hey! Sweet. Thanks," and that would be about as excited I'd get. If I knew the person, they'd probably get hugged. These people look like Jesus has come down and said, "YOU WILL BE SAVED," or something Jesus-y like that and they're just really, really stoked that he stopped by and did that. What a guy, eh? But no. These people get plasma TVs. Woot. I'd be like, "Woah, awesome! How am I going to fit this in my car? I have a TV already. Where am I going to put this one? Meh, I'll think of something."

Even if I got a manservant I wouldn't cry. Even if I got a red convertible Mini Cooper with black stripes I wouldn't cry. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with those people? Or do people just react differently when it comes to receiving gifts, and it just so happens that over 90% of Oprah's audience responds by screaming and crying and jumping and opening their mouths wider than I'd care to see and dancing and falling to the floor and grasping their heads in disbelief and waving their hands in the air and generally behaving like crazy people as their eyeballs bulge out of their sockets?

"Because what people really value is acquiring crap." - Bill Maher, from the video above.

Also, "OWN." Really? Own?

1 comment:

Mommet said...

I'd love to have cameras at their homes or accountant's offices when they find out how much tax they have to pay on all those "gifts". Those tears I'll believe.