Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Don't Stop Me Now.

Dear Globlets,

I remember getting so angry whenever I heard someone play the piano better than I could - not professionals, but people my age who could play "Light My Fire" by the Doors like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. I was envious. I had played the piano for so long and I could not play like she could. It hadn't been long before I heard her play "Light My Fire" that I realized I could choose to play non-classical pieces and move on to playing music I liked. Who knew classic rock could be played on the piano? (It's a lot easier with three hands, but hey... Not that she had three hands...) When I heard her play it, it was not the first time my body reacted in that way to talent envy. I felt tense, shaky, and hot, like something uncontrollable was boiling in my chest. Even just thinking about playing music - either on the piano or the guitar - makes me feel like crying when I don't play. Knowing that I don't play enough makes me want to cry. I don't know why I have such an emotional reaction to playing music - I really don't.

I'm a pretty competitive person. That might be why it's easier for me to be envious of someone's hard-earned skills. When I saw Sk's photography, that same feeling of envy rushed through my body, except it was less intense. A lot of what makes her work so much better than mine is her editing. But it makes sense for her to be that much farther ahead of me. She's been shooting a lot. She has done so much work since we "broke up" that all her practice has noticeably paid off. I haven't been able to practice much at all. I have very few models. I've done 2.5 photo shoots in the last six months, and they would not have happened had I not met Tb when I worked at the cafe for a while and asked her if she would be willing to model for me. I had a mini, not very successful shoot with Rc, too - that's the 0.5 shoot. Before August 2010, I had two shoots with Hs and one with Jd. So, for 2010, the total number of photo shoots I did amounts to four. That really isn't enough to improve as a photographer.

I published 140 globulations in 2010, including a 20 page short story as well as close to 50 pages-worth of shorter short stories in one semester. That's quite a bit, and I plan to write even more this year.

I knew I would never become a musician. As much as I would love to, as big a part of me as there is that still would like to attend Juliard, as deeply-rooted my passion for music must be if I can cry about it so easily, I know I didn't/don't have what it would take. I didn't have the kind of support I felt I needed from people around me to really excel. It's weird, and I don't like that I needed it, but I know I did need more ... more something from people. Encouragement? Interest? Faith? Something. I didn't know how to ask for it and I didn't want to. I'm mostly content now, I think, because I've come to terms with the fact that I will play music only for myself.

I've signed up with and hopefully once I'm accepted, I might get into photography more. My mom has offered to go over some Photoshop techniques with me, too, so my editing abilities will improve once I learn a bit more about it. I can't say I wish I had more support from the people I know because I do get feedback from them. It's easier; my pictures are online whereas my music-playing is not. I think I would have a harder time, mentally, receiving critiques on my music than I would on anything else.

My photography is the easiest thing to critique. It is the easiest thing to look at and say, "This is shit," or "This is awesome," or "I like this. Have you thought of trying this?" I'm grateful to be able to get those kinds of responses to my work. When it comes to writing, however, the one thing I feel I do best, I get very little back from my readers. I don't actually know how many I have. I don't want to sound ungrateful for the feedback my mom and Tw give me because I value it. It makes me want to keep writing, keep improving, keep doing what I love to do. It gives me confidence. I don't have confidence in my music-playing. I have some confidence in my photography, but nowhere near as much as I do in my writing. Getting grades and comments from the prof for my writing was encouragement. When my friends started commenting on my Facebook notes, I loved it. It was like, Yeah, people are reading my shit. Yeah, I am not just sending these globulations out into the blogosphere only to be seen by no one. Yeah, my messages are being received.

The thing is, reading something I write takes a lot more work than it does to just look at a picture and say, "It's not bad." However, at this point I would be more than happy if someone Liked a piece of my writing on Facebook. They don't have to comment; just knowing that someone actually gave enough of a shit to read it is nice. Every single time I get a Disagree/Agree/Funny/Good/Bad response here on Blogger, it makes me feel good. For those who aren't aware, there are "Reactions" buttons at the bottom of each post - that's what I'm talking about.

I suppose it's thanks to my confidence in my writing that, even without approval or support from many people, I am still able to produce something that satisfies me. I am still able to soldier on, and I think it's this that has led me to desire pursuing a career in writing.

Globlets, I'm going to be a writer. I'm going to be a writer and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Even if only a couple of Globlets will actually read this, it feels good to say that, Globlets. It feels really fucking good.

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