Thursday, March 3, 2011

No Monsters, Just Dresses and Underwear.

Dear Globlets,

The blog assignment for my nonfiction class was to:
Do a careful analysis of one of the following things: the contents of your fridge, your clothes closet, your cd collection or mp3 playlist, or your bookcase. What does any of those collections of things tell a casual onlooker about you, or about the way you might want to portray yourself?

I'm thinking of doing one about my MP3 playlist later on as well, but this is what I went with:


Popular. I don’t like popular. When I see everyone wearing the same kinds of things, you can bet that I’ll be wearing something different. Uggs will never see the skin on my ankles. My style will remain unchanged as popular trends come and go.

Some clothing you will not find in my closet:

Skinny jeans. They are not meant to be worn by people who are not thin, yet I’ve seen countless young women wearing them when they really, really shouldn’t be. Unless there is something sexy about ass cracks and excess hip flesh overflowing way past the top of a too-tight jean (and there isn’t), then please, for the love of Lucy,* get better pants and spare us! You will not find a skinny jean in my closet. I have hips - amazing, glorious hips - and no jean shall make this part of my body look abnormally large and disproportionate if I have anything to say about it. I am petite as it is; the last thing I want is to look like a tiny bizarrely-shaped pear.

Tights. They are not pants. Tights are not substitutes for pants. Tights go under dresses and skirts or under real pants to keep your legs warmer when it’s below zero. Ladies, I cannot stress this enough. Tights are not pants. They do not make your bum look good. That’s what yoga pants are for, although I, personally, feel terribly self-conscious when I wear them, and frankly, it’s hard not to stare at a girl’s bum when those tight black pants are screaming, “HELLO! This is a bum! Look at it! Round, firm, yet squishy and generally bum-like! Look at it! Bum, bum, bum!” (I’m not the only one who thinks this, right?) Tights worn as pants allow me to see sights that should be illegal in public. Do they even keep anything warm? Seeing the white of a girl’s ass is not appealing, and too many times have I feared for the stretch in tights. They can only stretch so far, and if I can see that much white when the fashion offender is standing, may Lucy help her when she sits down or picks up her car keys from the sidewalk.

Advertisements. I do not advertise for companies. I don’t have Lululemon yoga pants, Gap hoodies, or Guess jeans. I don’t have the need to let the world know what brand I buy or that I can afford $200 brand name jeans (and even if I could, I probably wouldn’t buy them). You can go through my closet and find not a single article of clothing with a brand name or logo on it. If a company wants me to wear something that says Roxy or Abercrombie or Puma to help spread the word about their clothing, they can pay me for that.

Then, what will you find in my closet?

Dozens of colourful tank tops, a wide assortment of feminine t-shirts, a few long-sleeved tops and sweaters, a plethora of cardigans or cardigan-like pieces, five or six pairs of jeans (mostly boot cut or straight-ish), a drawer full of socks and LaSenza panties, and a hook on which numerous bras hang. I have more bras than there are days in a month and more panties than there are days in a year. It’s not a LaSenza obsession, it’s - okay, it’s a LaSenza obsession. Or it’s an obsession for undergarments in general; if it wasn’t LaSenza, it’d be something else.

But most importantly, in my closet you will find dresses. Beautiful dresses that I am too afraid to wear in the winter even with tights. (See? Tights!) I wait at the bus stop shivering when my bum is covered with a nice layer of denim; how would it be if I wore tights? There is nothing I hate more about winter than the fact that it prevents me from wearing my dresses. Apart from a couple of summer dresses, most of them look like they were taken out of the 1950s.

One black, strapless, A-line dress with large white polka-dots; one grey closed-back halter dress with gold buttons and a collar, looks best with a red belt and a pearl necklace; a blue dress with a V-neck and white buttons that go from the top of the bust line straight to the bottom, also looks best with a red belt; a navy blue jumper that, with pearls, makes me feel like Audrey Hepburn. I could go on, and on. So many of my dresses are new and I have yet to wear them in public, and all I can think about is how much I want to go out wearing something that looks amazing, something that nobody else is wearing. The dresses are unique, they’re sexy but modestly so, and they’re classic styles that will always be fashionable.

Clothes should flatter your body, show off your best assets, keep you warm when they need to, keep you cool in the peak of summer, make you look sexy without making you look trashy, help you feel comfortable and confident when you walk out the door, and they should get you to say, “Damn, you are one fine son-of-a-bitch,” when you look in the mirror.

There is no room for monsters in my closet, only dresses and underwear.

*Lucy is my cat and all must worship and obey her. Amew.

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I got a LOT of feedback for this from my peers. I really wasn't expecting it at all, but it made me feel really good. Someone said I made him laugh out loud in the library. :)

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