I don't do well with confrontation. I never have, and I have never claimed to. Some people in my past relationships have had issues with this, and I've made a point of trying harder to be blunt, but it's still hard. When I start talking, I get shaky like I do when I'm arguing with creationists. It's different, as it feels more like fear for the relationship than passion for reason. Plus, it's not easy for me to articulate. And then I feel bad... because I see the look on their faces, and if I can't see them in person, then I see the look in my head. As I talk, I start doubting myself, especially when they have something to say in their defence. Am I justified in saying this? Is it actually me who's the problem? Could I have done things differently? I also need to choose my words carefully. Instead of saying, "When you did this..." I might try something like, "When this happened...."
I don't like confrontation.
When I have something that I'm too afraid to say directly to someone, I might say it more openly, more generally. In the case I'm thinking about now, I don't want to be direct because I fear sounding like a broken record. I am so close to it, though. I am so close to getting up right now to talk and be blunt, but I can't. The last thing I want is to appear cowardly or weak, but I am fighting - with myself. I'm trying to decide if I should suck-it-up-buttercup and just take it like a man, or say that I'm unhappy and frustrated. I think a big part of this relates to my suspicion that whatever I say will not be fully considered, that it will be ignored, disregarded, and forgotten, because what I have to say is just me being me, me being an anal little bitch who says the same things over and over again. I realize nobody has come out and called me that, but I feel like that's how I'm being thought of.
Because my sticky notes are just "rage."
Because my sticky notes are just rage.
They mean nothing because they come from me, because they are passive aggressive, just like this blog post is passive aggressive, and what is the point in reading mere passive aggressive rage? I don't know why, but for this case in particular I am really struggling, and I'm frustrated out of my mind because of it. And I'm frustrated because my passive aggressiveness isn't working, and my reaction to bottling it up is not helping. This is the last of it. I'm either going to turn to confrontation or suck it up. It's one way or the other.
Maybe I need to send an invitation. Maybe I need to write down all my points and then go in with cue cards. I shouldn't have to resort to this. Why can't I just say what I want to say? I'm going over the cycle in my head right now...
Maybe I should just keep calm and carry on. Be a good friend. Besides, it won't be for much longer. But if I do that then I might burst unexpectedly, which would be much messier than if I went in with a plan. Okay, then I'll make a plan. I'll write it out for myself and then talk. I'll do it! But even if I do, will it stick? Will anything change? Because it's me we're talking about, and my words are inconsequential. They're just rage. Maybe I should just keep calm and carry on.
I don't know what to do, and I hate it. Maybe this is my invitation.
(I feel a little better now that I've said this. I guess that was the point.)